BASEket Fantasy
by Mark 'Manix' Odell
Summary: Welcome to the BASEketball Final in Balamb! Good Guys versus the Bad! Read and review, although please be gentle considering this is my first humour related fic!
1. Default Chapter Title

BASEket Fantasy!!!  
  
NOTE: This fiction contains unashamed references to the movie BASketball, it's also a homage to the world's greatest RPG, Final Fantasy VIII too!  
  
Balamb stadium. Night. A packed crowd of approximately 100,000 people here to watch the final of the BASEketball tournament.  
  
ANNOUNCER: GOOD EVENING LAYDEEZ AND GENTLEMEN!!! It's a beautiful night here in Balamb, and I hope you'll enjoy this incredibly tense match as much as we will!!  
ANNOUNCER 2: Yeah, even though we know the good guys are going to win (Gets punched by Announcer) OW!!  
ANNOUNCER: (With fixed, rictus grin) Anyway!! It's a pretty evenly matched night for both teams - The Good Guys vs. The Bad Guys!  
  
(We get a shot of the 'Good Guys', there's a thunderous cheer and standing ovation)  
  
ANNPUNCER: Here they are wearing their ridiculously uncomfortable strips!  
  
(All the teams are scratching, itching like hell)   
  
ANNOUNCER 2: The team captain is Squall Leonheart! Assisted by his able and gorgeous (whispering) What do you mean I can't say that?! Oh for chrissakes!! (back to normal voice) His 'wonderful' girlfriend, Rinoa Heartilly!! Also on this six man-  
SELPHIE: PARDON??!!!  
ANNOUNCER 2: Oh Jesus - Okay, six person team!!   
SELPHIE: Thank you!!  
ANNOUNCER 2: -On this team we've also got Selphie Tilmitt, who incidentally is back from injury after...an un-recorded incident...  
  
(We get a shot of Irvine wincing as he rotates his hips)  
  
ANNOUNCER 2:That we think happened in the night!  
ANNOUNCER: Also we have Irvine Kinneas, Zell Dincht and Quistis Trepe, all in good form for tonight's BIG showdown!  
ANNOUNCER 2: And here come their Cheerleaders!  
  
(A legion of scantily clad women walk on and do a complicated dance - The girls roll their eyes, Squall puts his head in his hands but Irvine is practically drooling)  
  
IRVINE: Wow!  
SELPHIE: Hey! I thought I was the only one you loved!  
IRVINE: I do...But if you were a guy what would you do in a situation like this?!  
SELPHIE: Uh...  
IRVINE: Ok. End of argument!  
  
ANNOUNCER: It's difficult to believe that this game is actually happening here in the greatest Stadium on the planet!  
ANNOUNCER 2: It's difficult to believe that those girls are only 17!  
  
(Announcer gives announcer 2 a strange look - Who appears to be licking his lips hurriedly)  
ANNOUNCER:...uh...And the Bad Guys!!  
  
(Assorted boos, hisses and applause)  
  
SEIFER: Shuddup! The lot of ya!  
  
(Throws his hyperion into the crowd, neatly slicing off somebody's head and the end of their hotdog before catching it as it boomerangs back)  
  
ANNOUNCER: Hmm...Looks like that guy's been given some serious head!  
ANNOUNCER 2: (Groans)  
ANNOUNCER: Also on their team is the legendary sorceress Ultimecia!!  
ULTIMECIA: COWER INSECTS!! I WILL DESTROY YOUR-  
  
(Seifer whispers something in her ear)  
  
ULTIMECIA: (In a rather more normal voice) What?! What do you mean 'I lost the battle'?!....What?! I'm not allowed to make ANY overdramatic speeches?! Well...Can't I use some other kind of speech? I know! Here's a good one...YOUNG LUKE, THE FORCE IS WITH YOU-Uh...No, not quite right...  
  
ANNOUNCER: And...Yeah, there's Raijin and Fuijin and finally those guys Wedge and Biggs-  
WEDGE: Why do I only appear in part of the game anyway?  
BIGGS: Because you're the bungling, disposable soldier who's got a thing with getting his Commander DEMOTED ALL THE TIME!!!  
WEDGE: (The penny drops) Oh I see...  
  
(Their cheerleaders, kind of gothic looking ladies, throw razor blades one by one into the audience, killing a small quantity of supporters)  
  
ANNOUNCER: Don't let any of those girls anywhere near me whatever you do!  
ANNOUNCER 2: Actually, I quite like dominant ladies-  
ANNOUNCER: NO!! DON'T GO THERE!!  
ANNOUNCER: And finally, before we cut all of that tedious pre-match chat that nobody listens to anyway because frankly who gives a shit about the formation of a team, here's word from our sponsors!  
  
(Laguna runs on)  
  
LAGUNA: Hey! I'm the President of Esthar!   
ANNOUNCER: That's enough, get out of here.  
LAGUNA: (mutters) Okay, I'll be down in the VIP box if anybody needs me...  
  
(Laguna storms out)  
  
ANNOUNCER: LET THE GAME BEGIN!!!  
  
(Down in the Good Guys dugout, Squall and his team have a team talk)  
  
SQUALL: Okay, all we gotta do is take a good shot when we're in the right place (after all, this is Basketball played to Baseball rules if you haven't seen the film!) And just scare the hell out of them!!  
RINOA: Sounds good!  
SQUALL: Irvine, providing you had that curry last night, I think we got every chance of winning - And clean yourself up!  
IRVINE: Oh? Have I got stains or something?  
SQUALL: No, your waistband's crooked.  
IRVINE: Hmm...I got to cut back on the viagra...  
  
(The game begins)  
  
Squall steps up for the shot. Seifer steps up for the Psyche out*   
  
SEIFER: Hey, Squall...Got a real lousy girlfriend, huh?  
SQUALL: Uh-huh...Nice-(Takes the shot, scores) -Psyche-Out, dingleberry!  
SEIFER: What the...? You mean he scored?  
SQUALL: Yep.  
  
(Crowd goes wild. Zell steps up for the shot)  
  
ULTIMECIA: THE FORCE IS WITH YOU!!!!  
ZELL: Huh? (Shoots - but misses!) Oh shit!  
ULTIMECIA: WAHEY! Cower Mortals!!!  
SEIFER: (Through gritted teeth) Ultimecia...  
ULTIMECIA: Okay, okay!  
  
Selphie steps up for her shot, while Wedge tries to Psyche her out.  
  
WEDGE: Hey! Your mom can't cook!  
SELPHIE: (smiles sweetly) I know! (Shoots and scores)  
WEDGE: That always works on the captain!!  
SQUALL: (Mutters) I wonder why!  
  
Next up is Irvine.   
  
BIGGS: Hey, you-  
IRVINE: (Farts - Biggs passes out, as do 20,000 spectators) Pardon? (Shoots and scores)   
  
Squall and Rinoa 'celebrate' (don't think details are required!)   
  
SQUALL: Yeah! Knew that Curry would make ALL the difference!  
  
NEXT BIT - The second innings, Squall is up for the psyche out, while Ultimecia is up to take the shot.  
  
SQUALL: Yo, Ulti! (she ignores him) I hear that your sister's going out with ZELL!  
ULTIMECIA: WHOA! (Misses by about a mile, scared shitless by his exclamation)  
ZELL: (Turns to Quistis) Wait a sec - I'm not going out with his sister!  
QUISTIS: Of course not! We're just saying all of this totally fucked up shit to make them lose!  
ZELL: Oh..right...(suddenly gets it) HEY! WAIT A SEC! WHY'S ME GOING OUT WITH HER SISTER TOTALLY FUCKED UP?!  
SQUALL: (Coming back) Because it is.  
ZELL: Jeez...  
SQUALL: You're up next!  
  
Zell goes for the Psyche-out, Seifer is taking the shot.  
  
ZELL: Uh...BOO!  
  
Seifer shakes his head, and scores perfectly.  
  
SEIFER: Yeah baby!  
ZELL: Damn!  
  
Biggs takes his shot, Zell on Psyche-out again  
  
ZELL: BWAAAAAARGH!!"  
BIGGS: Yeah, later...  
  
Takes the shot - Scores.  
  
ZELL: Ugh!  
RINOA: Can I try next?  
ZELL: I can think of something really good for next time...(Walks back to dugout)   
  
Wedge is ready for his shot, Rinoa pulls out a cassette player. She puts a tape into it.  
  
TAPE:...It was a cold day in Trabia...Real cold...The golden leaves were drifting, slowly, SLOWLY, SLOW-LEEE down from the trees...their follicles being dusted with an icy breeze...the lady asked 'Can you help me?' the man, slightly shifted his hat, then his belt, then his shoes and pants...  
  
(During all this, Rinoa places the tape player beside Wedges head...Wedge blinks, and then falls asleep, Rinoa putting a pillow on the other side of his head as he crashes on the ground)  
  
RINOA: Yeah!  
ANNOUNCER: Psyche-Out to RINOA!  
  
(Rinoa does a little dance, and then stretches, 'amplifying' herself. About fifteen men pass out in the front row of the stadium)  
  
ANNOUNCER: Mmm...No need for any viagra tonight!  
ANNOUNCER 2: Man, you need to take a COLD shower!  
  
ANNOUNCR: And it's here at the most unbelievably inconvenient moment in the game we take a commercial break!   
AUDIENCE: Oh...DAMN!!!  
  
COMMERCIAL BREAK - AND ALSO END OF PART 1  
  
* - Psyche-outs: Basically doing whatever you want to distract your opponent from getting their shot.  
  
NOTE: I know this isn't brilliant, and I may or may not follow it up with part 2 - It just depends what U think!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Default Chapter Title

  
BASEket Fantasy  
  
END OF COMMERCIAL BREAK  
  
ANNOUNCER: Thank you, after that unnecessarily long commercial break, we return to the scheduled program - In order to piss you all off, we've skipped a couple of innings and the score is currently pretty even.  
  
(Good Guys Dugout, Irvine is shaving)  
  
SQUALL: Irvine, what are you doing?  
IRVINE: Hey, I'm shaving!  
RINOA: Your entire body?  
IRVINE: Right, my hairs catch on my uniform.  
SQUALL: (Suspicious) What are you hiding?  
IRVINE: I'm naked and I've shaved my entire body, I'd say I'm hiding very little.  
RINOA: 'Very little' being the operative word there...  
  
(Irvine Glares at her)  
  
Seifer is up for the shot, Zell goes for the Psyche out.  
  
SQUALL: Oh great...  
  
Zell grins as Seifer lines up for his shot. Then, just as he's about to throw, he smacks him with a plank of wood he removed from his baggy trousers.  
  
ZELL: Whooargh!!  
SEIFER: (Unconscious)   
  
ANNOUNCER: Well, that was a good Psyche-out from Zell Dincht!  
ANNOUNCER: So...Ultimecia is up for the next shot...But wait, who is that masked man?  
TUXEDO MASK: Cease this conflict! The good sport of-  
  
SQUALL: Oh fuck! Irvine, you got your sniper rifle?  
IRVINE: Yep.  
  
Pulls it out, takes a shot at TM. TM takes it full in the head and dies horribly.  
  
SQUALL: Phew!  
  
ANNOUNCER: So after that interlude, we return to the game...  
  
Selphie steps up for the Psyche out.  
  
SELPHIE: Hey...(She shows Ultimecia a bag) Look at this...It's, like, fat liposuctioned from Ifrit's ass.  
  
Ultimecia wrinkles her nose.  
  
SELPHIE: (Slides a straw into it) OH! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOING THIS!! (Takes a slurp) OH GOD IT'S ALL SALTY AND WARM!!! UGH!!!!  
  
ULTIMECIA: (Throws down the ball in protest) Ah! JEEZUS!!  
SELPHIE: PSYCHE-OUT! (Slurps a little more) Uh...I can't believe I did that (Long pause. Slurps a little more) Not bad...  
  
ANNOUNCER 2: Now it's the good guys turn!!   
  
Squall steps up to take the shot.  
  
SQUALL: No problem...  
SEIFER: (still dazed) Oh...  
  
Squall scores, does a home-run.  
  
SQUALL: Wa-hey!  
  
ANNOUNCER: The good-guys are well ahead there, Seifer is still suffering from that nasty blow Zell gave him...  
  
(Bad-Guys dug out)  
  
SEIFER: (To Biggs) We gotta get Wedge pissed off with Irvine...Okay, here goes...  
(They turn to Wedge)  
SEIFER: Wedge, Irvine's bein' mouthin' off about you!  
WEDGE: He has?  
BIGGS: Yeah, he says he saw you doing the five-finger shuffle in the toilets before the game started.  
WEDGE: You mean he was watching?  
  
(Seifer and Biggs manage to look a little disgusted)   
  
ANNOUNCER: Irvine is up to take the shot!  
  
Irvine is about to take the shot. Wedge walks up to him and kicks him in the balls. Irvine doubles over, in a lot of pain.  
  
WEDGE: Yeah!   
IRVINE: (Whispers) Ah shit...  
  
Keels over.  
  
SEIFER: YEAH! GOOD ONE WEDGE!!  
  
(A few hours later)  
  
ANNOUNCER: Well, we're at the final now...(Yawns) And this is the last stage at frigging last and I guess that this is the last and most dramatic part of the game. Squall has to psyche-out Seifer to ensure that the other team does NOT go ahead...  
  
Squall in the Dugout.  
  
SQUALL: Jesus, we've got this far and now I can't think of anything to do!  
ZELL: You done that fat thing?  
SQUALL: Selphie did that, I'll never get away with it!  
ZELL: Okay...Tell him that he's fat!  
  
Squall glares at him.  
  
ZELL: Hey! It'll work!  
SQUALL: You better be right...  
ZELL: Just be REEEEAL subtle!  
  
Squall steps up to Seifer.  
  
SQUALL: Hey...Seifer, going to lose weight?  
SEIFER: Good Psyche out...  
SQUALL: (Loudly, screeching in Seifer's face) YOU'RE FUCKIN' FAT!! YOU'RE SO FUCKIN' FAT!!! YOU'RE REAL FUCKING FAT!!!  
  
Seifer falls over.  
  
SQUALL: YEEEAAAHH!!!  
ULTIMECIA: NO, I AM YOUR FATHER-Uh...no...  
  
ANNOUNCER: Well, we're approaching the end of a historic game! I feel a song coming on...  
  
The Reel Big Fish run on, set up and start playing.  
  
SQUALL: One!  
RINOA: Two!  
SQUALL\RINOA: One, two three FOUR!  
  
(Song: Take me on)  
  
SQUALL: Talking away...  
ZELL: I don't know what I'm to say,  
IRVINE: I'll say it anyway...  
SELPHIE: Today's another day to find you,  
SQUALL: Shine away!  
RINOA: (To Squall) I'm coming for your love okay?  
  
ALL: TAKE OOON MEEEEEE.....  
BAD GUSY: TAKE MEEE OOOON!!  
  
(Bad Guys dugout)  
  
SEIFER: I'll be gone in a day or two!!  
  
ULTIMECIA: So needless to say at odds and ends...  
WEDGE: (Depressed) But I'll be stumbling away,  
  
(Good Guys dugout)  
  
IRVINE: (Happily) Slowly learning that life is okay!  
SQUALL: Say after me...it's so much better to be safe than sorry!!!!  
  
GOOD GUYS: TAKE OOON MEEEE....  
BAD GUYS: TAKE MEEEE OOON!!!  
ANNOUNCER: (On the PA) I'll be gone in a day or two!  
  
SELPHIE: (Takes a shot and scores) Oh, things that you say...  
BIGGS: (Stamps foot as he is unable to Psyche-out Selphie due to the musical number!) Yeah, is it life or just a play...?  
WEDGE: (In dugout, winces) My worries away  
SQUALL: You're all the things I've got to remember! You shine away...  
RINOA: (Sexily) You're all the things I've got to remember You shine away  
  
GOOD GUYS: TAKE OOON MEEE....  
BAD GUYS: TAKE MEEE OOON!!!  
ANNOUNCER 1&2: I'LL BEEE GOOONE!!! IN A DAY OR TWOOOOO!!!!  
GOOD GUYS: TAKE OOON MEEE....  
BAD GUYS: TAKE MEEE OOON!!!  
ANNOUNCER 1&2: I'LL BEEE GOOONE!!! IN A DAY OR TWOOOOO!!!!  
  
GOOD GUYS: Take on me...Take me on....  
  
(End of musical number)  
  
SQUALL: Uh...Why did we just do that?  
IRVINE: I really have no idea.  
  
(The FINAL shot!)  
  
ANNOUNCER: Well, this is it ladies and gents - The end. The final shot. And it's to be taken by Squall Leonhart, the generally accepted best shooter in the game!  
  
Squall steps up.  
  
RINOA: GO FOR IT BABY!!  
SQUALL: (Nods, smiling at her, before turning to the net)  
ULTIMECIA: THE FORCE IS WITH-No...  
  
Seifer prepares for the Psyche-Out. Then, as Squall takes the shot, he squirts paint in his face.   
  
SEIFER: Take THAT for calling me fat, you bastard!  
  
SQUALL: What the f-?  
  
SLOW-MO: The ball flies up into the air. It hits the rim, but bounces off. Irvine keeps it up in the air, trying for another shot.   
  
ANNOUNCER: Irvine keeps it alive!!  
  
Rinoa runs in, and knocks it up again  
  
ANNOUNCER: Rinoa's taken a shot!  
  
The ball bounces off the ring, and is caught by Squall, who then throws it again. The ball bounces off the ring as he runs up to it, it's going flying again.  
  
ANNOUNCER: LAST CHANCE!!!  
  
He runs for it again, and then catches the ball backwards, throwing it backwards into the air...it flies up through the air...  
  
ANNOUNCER 2: IT'S....  
  
The ball falls straight through the ring. Already the crowd is erupting, as are the Good Guys. The Bad Guys have their heads in their hands...  
  
ANNOUNCER: GOOD!!!!!   
  
CELEBRATIONS!!! Squall looks up, and sees the scoreboard. Then he does a lap of victory, after which he noisily makes out with Rinoa for a while as the crowd applauds and cheers.  
  
ULTIMECIA: Damn! I would have succeeded if it wasn't for those pesky kids!! - Waitasec...  
  
LAGUNA: Hey son! I'm the presenter of the trophy! No Nepotism, I had no idea he was my son until a little while ago!  
SQUALL: Yeah, and I spent 17 years wondering who you were!  
  
The Trophy is presented, it's enormous, gold and gilded.  
  
Squall, Rinoa, Selphie, Irvine, Zell and Quistis (Yes, she was there!) cheer to the crowds as they show off the trophy.  
  
SQUALL: We've all learned an important lesson!  
LAGUNA: About Sportsmanship?  
SQUALL: No! Rinoa's got REEAL sensitive nipples!  
  
Rinoa glares, but kisses him again - He kisses her.  
  
ANNOUNCER: Okay, let's turn off the camera's before these two start to make out AGAIN...  
ANNOUNCER: Goodnight everybody!!  
  
THE END  
  
  
  



End file.
